There are a lot of things that you can do to improve your life. Simple, inexpensive or free things that can make whole parts of your days way easier. Choosing not to do these simple things makes you dumb. Here are a few examples:

Someone in my office is using his desk from the wrong side. A while ago, another colleague had to use his computer (a laptop) and this person swiveled the computer to face the wrong side of the desk. Now, before I get emails telling me that there is no “wrong side” and “life is just life, man, chill”, I will tell you that there is very much a wrong side to this desk. One side of the desk is open, where your legs could comfortably fit underneath it, you know…like a desk. The other side is closed, with a big piece of desk falling where the knees should go under. I hope I don’t need to explain this further. So, for weeks, this colleague has been using this desk from the wrong side. He sits sideways at it so that he can reach the computer. Does anyone else find this insane? I sure do. It would take two seconds and a minimal amount of body energy to turn the laptop back to the other side of the desk. Why not do it? Why!!? 

A good friend of mine, who also bikes, is a prime example of someone who could improve their life with a bit of observation and by doing simple things. She and I both use u-locks for our bikes…you know the kind. And for a long time, she would park her bike at the school we attended by locking it to an iron fence. Now, the fence was there to prevent people from falling into a small dropped area beside one of the buildings. Not a huge drop, but 3 or 4 feet with plants and shrubbery at the bottom (accessible, but a pain to get to). And every day when she locked her bike to this fence, she put the guts of the U-lock, (the orange part, in this picture) on the other side of the fence. This meant that if, while opening the lock, she dropped part of it (which happens with some regularity), the guts of the lock and her keys attached to it would fall into the garden abyss below. This made for some fun winter-time snow searching on more than one occasion. If she had just put the “U” through the fence, this all could have been avoided. 

There are also lots of small things that can be purchased to improve our lives. I am talking about very small items, like pens to have around your home, kitchen items like chip clips or a decent corkscrew, Kleenex (for real, I don’t know how some people don’t have Kleenex at least somewhere in their house (I prefer to keep some within arms-reach at all times, but I have some rough allergies)), office basics like scotch tape, a pair of mini-gloves for your car, an extra bottle of wine (no explanation needed) or an extra deodorant (or toothpaste or supply of toilet paper- when these things run out, it is not good!). A recurring theme in these posts is that people who prepare for inevitabilities are not dumb, and people who don’t prepare are dumb. It is pretty simple. Observe, Assess, Act! These are words to live by.

These situations have people subjecting themselves to unnecessary hassle, and these problems could be easily, easily fixed! Turn your laptop 180 degrees around. Put your bike lock on in a logical way. Buy little things to improve your quality of life. Don’t be dumb. It is simple. 

Students.  We’ve all been one at one time or another.  Today I’m writing the first installment of what I hope will be an ongoing series, students are dumb.  I suppose this post could be generalized to “people who don’t read are dumb”, but as any TA or professor knows, this problem can be particularly bad for students.  Usually the information you need has been clearly posted for you.  Students who do not take time to read this information are dumb.

I’m not sure if it is something specific about online discussion boards that breed this particular problem, but it seems to run rampant there.  And it’s not just the frequent starting of threads that have already been started (though this is a problem too).  I’m talking about asking a question that has clearly been answered within a thread to which the entire thread is about.

The other day I clearly posted a clarification about having a lecture during the week of Thanksgiving.  The confusion was that in the class I teach the tutorials for the week were cancelled, but the lecture was still on.  As a reminder to students I posted the following note:

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to remind you that there will be a lecture on Tuesday [specific date].  Only the tutorials on Wednesday are cancelled.

Have a great Thanksgiving weekend!

Seems pretty clear, right?  Wrong.  Two dumb responses followed.  The first was a clarification of whether all Wednesday tutorials had been cancelled.  Umm… yes.  The course TA clarified that yes, all tutorials were indeed cancelled.  The next response was even more baffling.  It asked, since the Wednesday tutorials are cancelled, was the lecture on Tuesday cancelled as well.

Oh my lord.  I don’t have the patience for this.  Luckily the TA was quick to reply because I’m not sure I could have pulled in the sarcasm, or let’s face it, blatant nastiness, and that would have been unprofessional.

A public service announcement benefitting all teachers, TAs, instructors, professors, etc…:

Students, read the information available to you before you ask questions, particularly if that posting will be public and permanent.  Otherwise, you are dumb.

Check out this post for numbers 1-5.

6. Observe the shit that happens around you

When I start thinking about my next People Are Dumb post, I am often drawn to situations that could be greatly improved by people paying attention to their surroundings. When you enter a room/mode of transportation/shopping mall, take a minute to look around you and see what is up. Advanced smart people can do this while still walking and heading to their destination, but if you can’t (and thank you for bravely admitting that) step over to one side (do not stop in any doorway, ever) and take a good look around. If you are with a friend and your friend questions why you are behaving strangely, just answer them with “I am working on becoming less dumb, please shut up so I can do this properly”.  So, you are off to the side, great start. Now, observe. Here is a quick checklist to use.

1. Where am I?
2. Who else is here?
3. What are other people doing here?
4. Who is dumb in this situation?

Now, checklist items 1-3 are fairly straightforward. These are things that will help you figure out the basics of your situation. So many a dumb person could be saved if they took a millisecond to think about any one of these three items. Number 4 is, again, for our more advanced users, but if you have come this far with me, I think you are ready for it. By observing what other people are doing that is dumb, you can really get a good idea about the types of things you should avoid, so that you don’t show up in one of our next posts.

7. Speak more quietly than you currently do

This one may seem a little bit odd, but stay with me, dear stranger. Here’s the thing. I am never interested in the thing that is going on in your life. Neither is anyone else who doesn’t already know you. We just aren’t. Don’t take it personally—we have our own stuff to think about, and so do you. By lowering your voice by just a small amount (think of it as a “library voice”), I won’t have to hear about your dumb life. And then I won’t feel the need to comment on it in this blog, and won’t you feel better about yourself if you are reading this and I haven’t called you out for something that is dumb? Of course you will.

8. Think about things before they happen

A little bit of planning can go a long way to making sure you don’t do something that is dumb. Before you leave the house, think about the things you are going to do and bring the required materials with you. In the internet age, there is no excuse for showing up to the passport office with nothing but your person and a gogurt. We have access to an astonishing amount of information, and I ask that you take a bit of time to review some of that information before showing up in public places and doing dumb things.

9. Read

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am no fan of this particular activity. And—full disclosure—I once cheated at the “Book It” competition in school to get free pizza without having to read (an offense that unfortunately implicated my well-meaning mother). So I get it, ya’ll. Reading sucks. It is boring. I am with you. There is still no excuse for not doing at least a little bit of it, every day. Whether it is the daily news, which will help keep you informed about goings on, an instruction manual for programming clocks (both things that J brought up in her previous post), or, most simply, the signs that exist everywhere we ever are that point us in the right direction. There is no reason that anyone in an airport, on a university campus, or in a mall ever needs to ask anyone else in those locations where something is. To quote Salma Hayak in Fools Rush In (oh yes, I went there): “there are signs everywhere!” Look at them. They have all the information you need to figure out where to go. If at first you don’t see the sign you need? Keep looking. I promise you, it is there. And if it isn’t, you will probably stumble upon your destination while looking for the sign without having to bother someone. Win!

10. Follow us on Twitter @peopleare_dumb

 This is totally a cop-out, and I stole this one from #5. But please, do it. There you will get regular updates on our blog and also tasty little nuggets on the people that are dumb that we encounter throughout each and every week.

The U-scan was designed to make shopping quicker and easier.  It’s probably a lot cheaper for stores as well.  One cashier can oversee several machines at once.  Why pay someone to scan people’s purchases when you can get them to do it for free?  It turns out that scanning items for purchase is more difficult than it seems.

I don’t know what you were thinking older lady that needs new glasses because she can’t see where a barcode on a carton of eggs is located.  Same to you man who has clearly never powered up a computer before but things he can make sense of the mass of buttons and confusing procedure that are required to work the U-scan.  And what about you, teenager who thinks they can scan the next item before they’ve properly placed the first one into the bag.  Yes, I’m talking to you too.  None of you have the ability to use the U-scan.

Why do these incapable people continue to use the U-scan?  I think there are several contributing factors:

• It gives an individual a sense of power over their lives that they can control where the bread goes in the grocery bag.
• An element of fun because you’re doing a task that has traditionally been unavailable to the average grocery shopper.
• An overestimation of one’s ability to use technology or quickly learn new technology.

I don’t mean to be mean, but if it takes you more than one swipe to get your items to scan or if you have to talk to the U-scan cashier more than one time then U-scan is not for you.  Just line up and let a professional take care of it for you.  This is a win-win situation.  People who are U-scan capable won’t have to endure your painful attempts and reattempts… and a few more fuck ups…  AHH!!  I’m going to shoot you if you don’t hurry the fuck up.  Sorry, back to the solution.  You use the standard cashier and these hardworking people get to keep their jobs.  I think about 10 percent of the population is equipped with the intelligence and common sense to successfully U-scan so if in doubt, don’t bother.  Most people that try to use the U-scan are dumb.

Humorous side story: I was once waiting to use the U-scan and there was a painful attempt going on in front of me.  I think the guy was trying to use the barcode that sometimes comes on fruit stickers to scan his fruit through.  Anyone who has used the U-scan before will know that you have to punch in the produce code and that barcode is a useless waste of space.  Anyway, the one U-scan cashier was busy attending to what I’m sure was another U-scan stupidity problem and so the guy had no one to ask about his fruit problem.  He decided to give up and go through the regular check-out line (I applaud you, sir).  I then had to get the cashier to clear out the stuff the guy had successfully scanned before I could start with my stuff.  The cashier asked me why the guy left and I said it was because he couldn’t scan his fruit.  Then he asked why not, and I replied, “well, because he’s an idiot”.  The cashier didn’t exactly agree out loud, but I could see the hint of a smile playing around the corners of his mouth and in his eyes.  I like to think we shared a moment of U-scan understanding [U-scanderstanding, if you will ~L].

The bus is an interesting place. Mix together people of varying incomes, states of cleanliness, and health, add a seat shortage, a wet and slick linoleum-esque floor and the discomfort that occurs when you have to touch people you don’t know, and you have the recipe for a terrible mode of transportation. I don’t take the bus anymore, as you may have read, I bike. But when I did take the bus, I learned that people are dumb. One major problem on the bus is people who don’t prepare for their stop appropriately. There are a couple of offenders in this case.

The first offender is person who pulls the cord far too late. In some cases, this could be an offense of someone who just doesn’t know the route. A first-time late pull is totally ok…we’ve all been there. I am talking more about a person who didn’t prepare because they were talking loudly about “the 3 chicks that wanted to come home with [them] at the bar last night”. Pay attention, jerk. And if you miss your stop for any reason, there should be no question that you will just have to wait until the next one. People who make a big deal about it and ask the bus to stop after they have missed it are ridiculous. If it costs under 4 dollars to ride on it, it ain’t a cab.

Another type of offender is someone who doesn’t make any attempt to get near the door until the bus has stopped. If this is a person with limited mobility, of course that is fully acceptable/encouraged. But if you are able-bodied, you better be within feet of that door before when the bus stops. If the bus is packed full, I realize that it is hard to maneuver, but make the effort anyways. It will only save you panicky moments later when you realize that the surly teen in front of you has her music on so loud that she can’t hear you and you will never reach the door.

The bottom line is this…prepare for your stop. If you don’t, you are dumb. A bus is shared space, and we all need to step up our game so that everyone gets home a few minutes earlier, not a few minutes later.

Humorous but mostly unrelated sidenote: Remember that slippery floor I mentioned at the beginning of this? Well, one day, on my birthday, I was on a slick bus standing in that front section where there seems to be no handles or rails or anything to grab on to. The bus lurched to a stop and I stumbled forward in cartoon-like slow motion, flailing my arms and trying desperately not to fall. I make it all the way to the front of the bus, still on my feet but my last flail has landed my hand on the lever that makes all of the change and tickets fall into the bowels of the bus. It was rather humiliating.

Ahh the modern office. Forget having four walls and a door, many of us would be happy to have a private cubicle in which to spend our working days. The cost of real estate and office buildings means that in a tough economy, we get the privilege of working in increasingly shared office spaces. There are good things that can come out of this, for sure. Maybe the members of a team could become better acquainted with each other, learn more about each other’s personal lives and, as a result, learn to work more effectively together. Maybe problems will be more easily solved if it is easier to turn to your colleague and ask for their input on something…who knows?

But the negatives that occur from sharing office space seem to far outnumber the positives (at least for a people-intolerant person like myself—I consider it a sort of allergy). People who don’t know how to share office space are dumb. Below is a list of some of my biggest issues with these people who are dumb (feel free to add your own in the comments section).

1. Headphones mean I am busy

What is it that people don’t understand about headphones? If they are on, I do not want to talk to you. I am probably busy with something or maybe, I am using them to drown out the sound of you talking to yourself while you work through a task. I can see an offender of this policy replying “but you always have your headphones on?”, to which I would say “Yes. Think about that one”.

2. People may be talking, but not always to you

Just because someone is saying something, it may not involve you. In a shared workspace, there are different people with different levels of responsibility to each other and who will engage in different conversations about the work they have to do. Before jumping in to answer any and all questions that are uttered, try listening to the context in which they were asked and see if you have the requisite experience/knowledge to helpfully answer them. If not, please remain silent.

3. Eating noises

This is a difficult one, because there are noises that occur when people eat. I understand this. Some amount of noise is bound to escape from people’s mouths while they are eating, and there is nothing that can be done about this. This does not mean there aren’t things that can be done to reduce these noises. Let’s start with the basics- chew with your mouth closed and don’t slurp. I would think that people should know these ones, but I am constantly amazed at how much people don’t know. Another strategy? Select foods that aren’t super crunchy. I don’t begrudge people who choose to eat apples and carrots (they are some of the easiest healthy lunch-time snacks to bring), even though the noises that can result are truly gross. I do, however, take issue with chips of any kind and peanut brittle. Peanut brittle??? At a co-op job I had many years ago, a guy I shared a cube farm with had a huge Tupperware container full of the stuff on his desk, and everyday at 3:00pm, he would start crunching on the the shards of sugar. By the end of that summer, I wanted to end his or my own life. I didn’t care which.

There are many more examples of how annoying people can be in these shared environments, but it really just comes down to the fact that some people act as if they are alone, when, in fact, other people are in the same space. These people are dumb. If they took a minute to think about how they might be affecting other people’s sanity, they might improve all of our lives.

As you already know, people in airports are dumb. Again, I think it must be some freak combination of a higher-stress situation, people not being in control of what they are allowed to do, and a forced interaction with the general population that brings out the very dumbest in people in airports and on airplanes. Today I would like to talk about how people who disobey the seatbelt sign on airplanes are dumb.

There are two different types of dumb on this one, and I will deal with each in turn. The first type of dumb applies to those people who refuse to wear a seatbelt during the course of the flight. As they tell you on the intercom, “even though the Captain has turned off the seatbelt sign, we ask that you fasten your seatbelt when seated”. I just don’t see the logic in disobeying this simple request. There are many, many reports of flights that hit unexpected turbulence and the injuries to the unfortunately unbuckled passengers are well-documented.  Long gone are the days when a seatbelt was considered so uncomfortable that children and adults alike would protest their application. This kind of dumb cannot really be explained, and we can only hope that the injuries of those who are thrown about during turbulence (and who were not just caught out of their seat at the wrong time—sometimes you are just unlucky) render these people unable to procreate so that we can have fewer of “the dumb” among us in the future. 

The second kind of dumb in this case is far more perplexing to me and I have no real answer for it. People are dumb when they take off their seatbelts at the end of the flight before the “aircraft has come to a complete stop and the Captain has turned off the seatbelt sign”. Again, it is not a difficult instruction to understand and certainly not a difficult one to follow. Let’s throw out all logic about being in a moving vehicle that you are not in control of and which you have no idea about the inner workings of, not to mention the fact that you cannot see anything that is happening outside of it. Why not just follow this rule because the people who run it (and who are financially responsible for your liability while you are on it) tell you to? After all, according to Claire Dunphy from Modern Family, “at the end of the day, [a plane is] still a building, on its side, being thrown from one place to another”—maybe it would be a good idea to trust the people doing the throwing. 

Is it just a petulant need to disregard rules that you don’t think apply to you? Are you some ridiculous teenager testing the limits of your parents’ authority and trying to create an identity for yourself that flips off the man? No? Then stop being dumb. Leave your damn seatbelt on until you are told not to, and don’t piss me off. Oh, and by the way, getting up into the aisle seconds before everyone else does not make the door open any faster. I know you wish it did, but it just doesn’t. Patience is a virtue. So is obedience. People much smarter than you have made rules like this to protect you from your own stupidity. Follow them.

-Sister L

One of our main blog goals is to educate people about being dumb.  With that in mind I have compiled this list of 5 things that will help you avoid being dumb.  This is obviously not meant to be an exhaustive list, but merely to point the most erudite readers in the right direction should they want to avoid being dumb.

1.  Keep up to date with current events.  The reasoning behind this is two-fold.  First, you will avoid looking like an ignorant buffoon at cocktail parties.  This can be particularly important when the party is attended by people like your boss or others whom you wish to impress (e.g. Queen of England, etc…).  Second, you can get ideas about what kind of actions are dumb by reading about criminals who make mistakes that get them caught such as this man, who forgot to roll down his window before attempting a drive-by shooting. 

2.  Criticize others in your life that are dumb.  Use your own personal experiences to hone your skills at detecting dumb.  If you can see it in others you can apply the same principles to yourself.  Not only will this lead to self-improvement, you may inadvertently make those you criticize less dumb.  Aunt Shirley is certainly going to think twice about using the U-scan if you make a public spectacle of her when she can’t ring through a can of beans.  Feel free to get started on this step by sharing a criticism of someone you know in the comments area of this post.

3.  Watch sitcoms.  The plots of most sitcoms are devoted to making fun of people who are dumb (see Phoebe teaching Joey French from Friends, for example) or people who are ostensibly smart, but have found themselves in a dumb situation (see Niles accidently dates a prostitute from Frasier, for example).  Being actually dumb or being the victim of dumb circumstance is not acceptable.  Use sitcoms to provide models of things to avoid in your own life.

4.  Become familiar with technology.  Most of us have had the experience of painfully watching someone fumble through getting a presentation to work on a projector.  Or maybe just setting the clock on the microwave.  These situations can be avoided by using technology regularly.  Don’t wait until the night before your scheduled visit with the Queen to try and get all the clocks in your house on the same time.  As you accumulate clocks read the instructions and learn how to set them.  Keep up with daylight savings and reset the time after power outages.  Take your knowledge to the next level by buying a watch with a lot of buttons and learn how to set the alarm on it.  Impress your friends at parties by setting all of their watches.  Take this same principle and apply it to other technologies in your life.  Master that universal remote or learn how to do a virus scan on your computer.  Simple steps like these will soon make you a technologically competent person, and let’s face it, better at life.

5.  Read this blog and follow us on twitter.  Within these posts you will find invaluable advice, and yes, sometimes criticism of actions that make people dumb.  Use and learn from these stories.  Evaluate your own behavior and see how you measure up to the standards we have set.  Most of all do not do the dumb things listed.

-Sister J

I commute by bike. I do so because it is the fastest, easiest way to get to and from work and because it means I don’t have to interact with anyone else when I do it (because people are dumb and I don’t need to be exposed to them any more than I already am). I am lucky to live in a city where this is an option, and I chose to live in a location that allows me to do this. I biked all through last winter (and I live in a cold, Canadian city) and I plan on doing it again this winter. Biking rules.

What does not rule, you ask? I will tell you. It is when people in cars yell at people on bikes. They are dumb. I am a generally respectful biker, and as a car owner myself, I do know that bikes can be very annoying when you are driving. The ones that ride way out in the middle of the lane, the ones that swerve at you, the ones do not have appropriate lighting on them so that you almost run into them at night…all of those bikers are dumb too. But I am not dumb. I do my best to ride in a safe, predictable manner (I admit to running stop signs and occasional lights, but I argue that I do so safely (you can disagree with me, but I won’t care)). So when some guy (so far, it has always been a guy) feels the need to pull up beside me and yell at me when I am riding, I am understandably irate.

I have been yelled at maybe three times, but one time in particular showed me how people are dumb. I was at a red light and started pedaling a second before the light turned green (I don’t know if cars know this, but you can tell, in advance, when the lights are going to change by watching the little flashing hand on the crosswalk signals). By the time I was in the intersection, the light was fully green. I am rolling along, minding my business, when, seconds later, some jackass in a white Cutlass decides to swerve his big damn car at me and verbally abuse me about “following rules of traffic”. Meanwhile in his attempt to teach me a lesson (I guess?), he has stopped traffic so that he can yell at me, he has caused a very dangerous situation by attempting to drive, yell and swerve at the same time (dangerous for me, a tiny human next to his huge gas-guzzling and ugly car), and failed to make any sort of logical case with me. He is dumb.

Unless I do something that actually affects you, I do not wish to hear your opinions on how I ride my bike. I think what provokes this angered outburst from these people is that they see that I am way faster then them (I ride through a city and it is much quicker to bike than to drive) and they have to account for the fact that they are burning up fossil fuels, looking stupid in an ugly car, AND getting to their destination after me. Their only means of purging this guilt is to (unfairly) yell at me. This is why people are dumb.

-Sister L

A combination of the amount of time spent in airports and on planes, along with being trapped in the situation and usually being bored out of my tree has led me to one very profound conclusion. People in airports are dumb. 

My experience with flying is mostly from long, 3-leg journeys within Canada and the U.S.- so I should say that this post applies mainly to those travelers (although my strong suspicion is that this is true the world over). My greatest beef with people in airports has to do with the baggage carousel. Everyone hauls themselves off the plane, makes their way down to the baggage area and waits for the bags to appear. Everyone is tired, no one smells great, and everyone shares an equal desire to get their bag and get on with the trip.

And yet, the actions of the majority of the people standing around the carousel prevent this from happening. First, people crowd around the point of the carousel where the bags actually come out. This is no problem for me because I just pick the spot the absolute farthest from this annoying crowd. After those “prime” real estate spots go, everyone else lines up shoulder-to-shoulder as close as humanly possibly to the carousel itself. On most flights, there is not enough room around the carousel for each person on the flight to do this, so maybe 60% of people can now see their bag (and not a single person has adequate room to retrieve the bag without injuring another patron). As the bags start coming, people crowd in further, jostling for position and knocking old ladies out of the way. It is madness, and a great example of just how dumb people are. 

I know what you are thinking: “But how else am I supposed to see my bag?”! Let me tell you how, dear reader. You (and everyone else in the herd) take 3 giant steps backward. Hell, make it 4 steps backward. This will increase the circumference of the ellipsis and everyone will be able to see. When your bag is within 3 feet of you, you may step forward and collect it (and won’t it be nice to do so without a heavily-breathing older man brushing up against you)? 

Another note, if you are a party of 6, please send only one representative forward to collect the bags of the whole group. Your baggage cart takes up way too much room and you don’t all need to crowd the carousel. Dads make great representatives, as do children aged 10-18. 

It is my dream that one day, all airports will require this procedure of their travelers. It is my greater dream to be the marshall who controls the situation. Until that time, J’s method of violently swinging her suitcase into any person crowding the carousel is the only solution (consider it vigilante justice).

Sister L